So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
