I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
