she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
