Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
