You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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