She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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