he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
