She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
