Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
