The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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