I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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