it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
