Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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