Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
