K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
