i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
