between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
