shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
