Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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