She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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