Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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