I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
