I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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