apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
be right there i have to get my cape
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
