1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
