wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
