guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Your dad touched me again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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