Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
