new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
