i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
