So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
