Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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