As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
