i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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