1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
