When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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