Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
