just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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