I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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