On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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