I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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