Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
