Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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