You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
