My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
