Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
