I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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