I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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