He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
