so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
